Granite Workers to Get Part of Stimulus Plan – Speaker Pelosi has announced that, under the stimulus plan now before Congress, a special commission will be formed to find a suitable mountain near Mt. Rushmore to carve the likeness of Barack Obama. This will be a big boon for the granite workers of America who have been struggling as the need for granite countertops in suburban kitchens has declined dramatically with the foreclosure and credit crisis. “President Obama is such a transformational figure that we believe he should have his own mountain sculpture near Mt. Rushmore”, said the Speaker.
Obama Inks Book deal for White House Memoirs – After a brutal bidding war between America’s top publishers, Simon and Schuster has purchased the rights to President Obama’s memoirs for a cool $1 billion. Simon and Schuster CEO Carolyn Reidy said in a statement that, “We believe that in eight years this book will beat the #1 bestseller of all time, the Bible.” She went on to say that, while the company does not have the $1 billion to pay President Obama, they hope to have raised it by 2016 through “a series of bake sales and car washes to be held around the country.”