As I throw my name in the ring for an appointment to the Integrated Waste Management Board, I am inspired by Homer Simpson’s slogan during his run for Springfield’s Sanitation Commissioner: “Can’t someone else do it?”
Some of you may prefer Pedro Sanchez’s line in Napoleon Dynamite (the Citizen Kane of Generation Y political thrillers), “vote for me, and your wildest dreams will come true.” I like that one, too, but have never figured out what the movie is really about.
I must confess that I was not interested in this job until I read about IWMB board members being compensated $132,178 for only 12 days of meetings per year.
Come to think of it, I already know something about waste management. I have a compost bin at home and use it to dispose of garden and food waste every few days. Each time, I like to take a minute and watch the bugs eat my old banana peels and yard trimmings before I pour another bucket full of food waste in there.
I am also a stickler for recycling, and I frequently inform transients going through my blue trash bin that, technically, they are stealing from the city. They typically either smile at me or flip me off before they move on to the next house.
There are other issues that interest me, but those commissions only pay $100 per diem and usually meet twice as many days. Otherwise, I’d love to help address transportation, children and their families, fair employment and housing, water quality and such, but why settle for less?
If an IWMB appointment is not available soon, I’m willing to settle for the Workers’ Comp Appeals Board. This board will have met only ten times this year and pays $130,000 annually.
But just so nobody thinks I’m only in it for the money, I am willing to take a ten percent cut in salary until the state’s budget deficit gets resolved next month.
I’m fired up and ready to go, so sign me up!