When I was 7 years old, my parents put me on a plane by myself from Beijing, where we lived to the Bay Area, so I could spend the summer with my grandparents there. At my grandfather’s suggestion, I started reading the San Francisco Chronicle because, while it might not be the best paper in the world, it was probably the most entertaining.

I thought back to that proud tradition when I read the best story of the gubernatorial campaign before, Carla Marinucci’s instant classic, “Neel Kashkari Trails Registered Sex Offender in New Governor Poll.” Of course, it was a bit unfair – the sex offender probably didn’t lead the bank bailout or vote for Obama.

Still, I’ve been impressed by some of what Kashkari has done and said – which probably was a sure sign that he’s dead meat. But I think he should be able to beat the sex offender. And Tim Donnelly. So I’ve racked my brain for ways to spark his campaign, so he ends up a decisive loser in November, rather than an epic embarrassment.

Here are five ideas:

5. Buy a lot of followers on social media.

Scratch that – he’s already tried it.

4. Get on a reality TV show, pronto.

Kashkari is a bachelor, and my sources suggest his pad might make a great candidate for one of those home makeover shows.

3. Buy a gun and carry it through airport security until you get arrested.

Yes, I know – the strategy is stale and trite. But it’s also proven. Republicans seem to dig it, and you can get to double-digits in the polls.

2. Arrange a weightlifting contest with Schwarzenegger at Venice Beach.

Yes, Arnold’s ratings are in the toilet, but he’d still get more votes than Kashkari. A weightlifting contest would be a lot more fun and interesting than the Whitman-derivative jobs-and-schools plans you’re putting out. TV would cover it, and Californians would discover what the candidate looks like.

1. Date a Kardashian.

Yes, I know, I’m repeating Idea #4. But there is no better way to get yourself known in a hurry. Warning: don’t fall in love with a Kardashian. Like participation in California politics, Kardashian dating can leave you empty inside.