I begin the new year with the suspension of my campaign for legislative office, which I had hoped would eventually get me a seat on either the state’s Integrated Waste Management Board or the Workers’ Comp Appeals Board.

Instead, I have decided to instead seek an appointment to the state’s Avocado Commission.

Sure, the other boards pay members over $100,000 for meeting just ten times annually, but they don’t provide the perks of the avocado commission!

According to a recent audit, the avocado commission has spent lavishly on board members and employees, as well as their spouses. Items such as flowers, four-star hotel stays, spas, gym memberships, vitamins and tickets to sporting events were regularly charged to commission credit cards.

And the commission president (whose last name is reportedly not Madoff) was paid $300,000 annually, and that’s not counting the $17,000 charged to the commission credit card for improvements to his home office. He has since resigned so that he could spend more time at his church, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Here are my qualifications: I love avocados, and my family goes through a four-pack of them per week. I also love making and eating guacamole! I had an avocado tree at my last house and had several run-ins with local squirrels, who apparently also enjoyed my avocados.

Furthermore, I love junkets! I am always available to stay in Laguna Nigel at a fancy hotel to talk about the wonders of avocadoes and treat my wife to a facial on somebody else’s dime. (In this case, it’s the taxpayers’ dime and since we’re in a budget crisis, I am prepared to pay for my own transportation to commission meetings).

I eagerly await a call from the governor’s office to discuss my credentials for partying with this commission.

Here is a recipe for my award-winning* guacamole:
Two avocados, peeled and mashed
1 cup of chopped fresh tomatoes
? cup of chopped white onion
1/8 cup of chopped green onion
one teaspoon salt
one tablespoon of minced cilantro
squeeze of lemon and/or lime
several shakes of Tapatio hot sauce

*fourth grade cooking competition at my elementary school