Let me begin by reassuring my wife and family: I am not
having an affair with Elaine Howle.
But I can hardly blame my wife if
she’s suspicious. Howle, the state auditor, and her office have been emailing
me daily for weeks. Over the last week, the obsessive phone calls have started,
wondering where I am and if I’m thinking about what she’s asked me to do.
Howle is in charge of the process
of selecting the new redistricting commission, created by Prop 11, to draw
state legislative district lines next year. And next Monday, April 19, is the
second-round application deadline for anyone who wants to be on the
redistricting commission. I know this because the calls and emails reminding me
of the deadline – and my failure to meet it – never stop.
At first, these missives were
helpful-they referred me to workshops and organizations that would help me
complete the application. But in recent days, the tone has grown more urgent,
more pleading – part doctor’s office wondering why you won’t call for the test
results, part over-caffeinated professor who thinks you’re going to turn the
paper in late again.
The message: I’ve been a bad boy.
"Further," said today’s email, "we have not received the three letters of
recommendation that are also required–e-mailed, faxed or postmarked by April
19th."
Of
course, I’m responsible for this case of fatal attraction. Out of a sense of
mischief (and the need to give Mr. Fox a column), I completed the first-round
application, a series of on-line questions to determine if I was eligible.
Because I’ve never worked in politics and government (and don’t have any
relatives who have done so, at least in California), the application process
concluded that I’m not all that civic-minded and thus legally eligible to
continue to the second-round.
I
have no intention of filling out the second-round application. I have a life.
And, in addition to those three letters of recommendations, the application
includes four essay questions. I don’t think my answers would be up to snuff.
"1. Please describe why you are
interested in serving on the Citizens Redistricting Commission."
Journalism
is dying, the state’s manufacturing base is withering, and your gig pays.
"2. Please describe your ability to
be impartial, as discussed in Regulation 60800. You may include with this
description any occupational, academic, volunteer, or other life experiences
you have had that demonstrate this ability."
While
watching "Dancing With the Stars," I never make up my mind until all the stars
have danced.
"3. Please describe your
appreciation for California’s diverse demographics and geography…"
When
I’m looking for a story, there’s frankly nothing I appreciate more than hot new
demographic data about California’s diversity (with the possible exception of a
double murder involving sex and celebrities that might interest editors at
Vanity Fair.)
And
when it comes to geography, let me say this: the last time I was in Imperial
County on a summer day, I really appreciated the fact that I live in LA.
"4. Please describe the analytical
skills you have that are relevant to serving on the Citizens Redistricting
Commission"
Nothing
comes to mind, except this: it’s impossible to make California elections work
much better as long as we’re stuck with the single-member legislative districts
and first-past-the-post plurality elections. This state needs stronger medicine
than a redistricting commission can provide.
Don’t take this personally, Elaine,
but if the calls and emails don’t stop after Monday, I may have to get a
restraining order.