The folks at DC headquarters have
been hogging the think tank’s mind-reading machine (for use on Bill Daley and
John Boehner), but I finally got a little time with the contraption.
Previously, I’d used it on Gov. Schwarzenegger,
but decided this time to probe the mind of new Gov. Jerry Brown, for a change.
Or at least I thought it was a
change.
Here’s what the machine spit out
when it was aimed at Brown’s mind.
"It’s amazing that no one has
figured this out yet. The ‘Gov. Brown’ in the governor’s office is peddling all
the same stuff from the last 7 years, about bringing the two parties together.
I mean, who does that sound like?
"Yes, it’s Arnold in here."
"I’m a little amazed myself at this
turn of events. I hadn’t realized all the technological changes that happened while I was
stuck in Sacramento, and didn’t understand what was possible. But this whole
avatar thing my buddy Cameron is into isn’t just movie fiction.
"Right now, my human body is lying
in one of those transporter machines in my Oak Productions office in Santa
Monica, while my brain and soul remains up in Sacramento inside the Jerry Brown
avatar that Jim worked up.
"We’ve been planning this for more
than a year, during that period when Jerry couldn’t decide whether to declare
or not. He’s a smart guy – too smart to run and actually do the job himself.
He’d rather meditate in his twilight years. It was Anne who really was
interested in governing the state.
"He was going to bow out, but then
Jim told me what he could do with the avatar. We pitched Jerry, who is a
future-oriented guy, and he immediately got it. So this was kind of a win-win.
Jerry, instead of going to the Capitol, sneaks out every morning into the
Sierra foothills with a few books for long walks and deep thinking. Anne gets
to run the state government day-to-day. And during working hours each day, I’m
still governor, albeit with less hair and a smaller waist. And I don’t even
have to bother with the daily flight to Sacramento. It’s perfect.
"Cameron asked me why I wanted a
third term, given how ugly things got in the end. It’s true my numbers were in
Gray Davis territory. Maybe I’m delusional, but the more I think about it, the
more I think I was making progress at the end, budget and reform-wise. But
people had gotten tired of me, the whole persona thing, my act. I kind of
wondered if Arnold policies would have more of a chance if they were dressed up
in a different package. So now we’ll see.
"That’s really the heart of the
joke-the notion what the Brown avatar is doing is any different than what I did
when I was governor in my own skin. The cuts to social and human services?
Yeah, those are the same ones I offered in multiple budgets-that the Democrats
said made me a terrible meanie. The tax increases that ‘Jerry Brown’ wants to
extend? Those are the very same ones I offered voters back in the 2009 special
election. Except then I wanted only two extra years-and it was a non-starter.
Now that I’m a Jerry Brown avatar, I could go for five years – and everyone
talks about how frigging brilliant I am.
"That’s my favorite part about this
new arrangement. I say all the same things I said before, but now all the union
guys and the Democrats and the press nod their heads yes. Unbelievable.
Politics really is about style and party, not substance.
"I was worried that someone would
figure out what I was up to at the budget press conference last week. I’ve
tried to alter my syntax, you know, to inhabit the role. But I couldn’t resist
talking about how good an idea a rainy day fund was. I even used the same
phrase about bringing people out of their ideological corners.
"I thought that the public radio
guy, John Myers, might be onto me, since he kept asking me about Jerry Brown’s
budget being so much like Arnold budgets. I thought I might have blown it when
I got a question about why this June 2011 special would work this time when
voters said no to the same question in the spring of 2009. I couldn’t think of
anything to say except for my old bon mot about how the redistricting
commission didn’t pass the first few times it was there. I held my breath after
saying it-Jerry was never a fan of redistricting — but no one caught on.
"Fantastic!
"The rest of the gig is pretty
easy. Anne and the rest of the gang are great-business-like people, real old
pros. Press conferences are easy–just bob and weave, never answer directly.
I’m even enjoying the crash course in philosophy so I can convince people I’m
Jerry. My only complaints are the clothes – off-the-rack stuff sucks – and the
dog. I love dogs, don’t get me wrong, but Sutter’s small. A real man needs big
pets.
"Now, I am worried that if we don’t
get the June special and the tax hikes done, then this job becomes pure misery.
I don’t want to go through that again. But Maria and I’ve got a back-up plan in
that case. Here it is: I stand down avatar-wise. Jerry issues his resignation
from the monastery, and then Maria inhabits the Newsom avatar that Jim’s
effects people are making. She can’t wait to try it."