Yes, yes, it won’t happen. But Six Californias is so much fun that it’s become the summer story of 2014.
Proponent Tim Draper foolishly won’t let states name themselves but his initiative is silent on a crucial question: the location of capitals of the new state. The Internet abhors a vacuum, so let’s fill it with some possible capitals for the six states.
Favorite as capital: Redding, right in the middle.
Dark horse: Eureka, cool on the coast and permitting Jefferson to take California’s motto with them.
Best choice: Medford, Oregon, since Jefferson would quickly become a poor client state of Oregon, where southern counties have agitated for a split as well.
Favorite: Sacramento, because they already have the dome and everything. Dark horse: Mill Valley, because Marin folks would see other counties as beneath them.
Best choice: Fairfield, as a nod to the most important place in the state – the Delta.
Favorite: Whoever wins the war between San Francisco and San Jose. Dark horse: Oakland, as a compromise choice if things get out of hand. Best choice: Monterey, which people actually want to visit.
Favorite: Fresno, the biggest city in the new state.
Dark horse: Bakersfield, with oil money and political pull.
Best choice: Visalia, a little gem that would be a good ambassador for a poor state.
Favorite: Los Angeles, because it’s L.A.
Dark horse: Santa Barbara, pretty and central for a state that goes all thew way north through San Luis Obispo County.
Best choice: Long Beach, as symbol of this state’s commitment to trade and to give a boost to a big city that could use one.
Favorite: San Diego, South California’s Finest City.
Dark horse: Riverside, a working-class crossroads in the new state.
Best choice: San Clemente, because it’s a beautiful place to think.